​Until one day, I was abandoned with nothing but dried roots and unbearable grief. He fooled me into believing he would always return to feed my soul and instead made me question my existence. He betrayed me and ever since then, I have been left wondering if he’ll ever return to the garden he left vacant in my heart. Because I don’t know how to let go and I don’t know if I’ll ever want to.”

She looked at me, saddened by my response, and said, 
“He may have given you a reason to push forward in the past, but he is not why you are still alive today. Your reason to live has always lied within you.
He did not take it with him, you just forgot what it was like to breathe on your own..
to grow, on your own.. love, on your own.
Rip out those dead roots and replant your own beautiful garden.
Shower it with love, gratitude, and acceptance every day.
Love yourself so deeply and let the love you harvest be your light.
Feed your soul with that light. And eventually, with time,
​you will let go of what was and accept what is.”
​​

They were beautiful
but they still made me cry
They always told the same promises
the same lies

I wanted to believe
No, I did believe
Through every I love you
and every I'm sorry

Lost between meanings
I lost myself
over and over again
Or did I try to use you to find me?

All the years I basked in your approval
Now you mocked me in plain site
You betrayed me
because I betrayed myself
​

I created a list of what I've found to be the most helpful ways to remove myself from stagnation. Speaking from experience, somethings are easier said than done, of course. Alas, if there is a will, there is a way. At least, that's what my mom always said..

Ways to un-stick yourself:

Let's start from the bottom, up.
When I say move I don't necessarily mean your location. I mean, get up and move your body. In whatever way you can. Whatever way feels best. Yoga, biking, hiking, working out, going for walk, a simple stretch, etc.
What about those times we can't move because we're feeling too stuck?
For those of you who suffer through mental illness, take depression for example, I know this can sometimes seem like an impossible task. I know because I suffer through this time and time again. So what then? I pray.

I don't need to pray to someone specifically. I just need to express my feelings as if I was talking to someone who didn't have the ability to verbally talk back. This was not something that came naturally to me, even being raised Catholic. However, I've found my voice through desperate times. I've found the most relief when asking for strength and clarity when I felt hopeless and stuck. You don't have to believe in a God, you just have to trust yourself and let go.

Letting go is something I sincerely struggle with. When I'm feeling super stuck, it's usually because I'm having a hard time with letting something or someone go specifically; A repetitive thought. A nostalgic feeling. A shitty idea. A comforting soul. Letting go is not easy for some, but if you can find just one thing that you might be holding onto that no longer serves you and just set yourself free from it, I promise, it makes a world of a difference and you'll find yourself wondering why you didn't do it sooner.

Journaling is my guilty pleasure. I don't have to write several pages or even one. I don't even have to write something that makes sense. But there's something about putting a pen to a blank page that helps me loosen up and frees my mind from any clutter.

Sometimes, I just need a good cry. A good laugh. A good scream. Breaking down my walls by being vulnerable at times when I feel stuck can go one of two ways: Feeling less stuck or more stuck. Be careful with which emotion you choose to express, how you choose to express it, and try not to let it control you.

A good way to humble myself is by putting matters into a different perspective. Realizing it could always be worse and expressing gratitude for all that I have always helps shake me from any shitty feeling. Ask yourself, "what's something I have that not everyone else does?" Even the simple things count and matter.

I express myself in so many ways and I've already touched on a few here. I feel expressing myself through my passions can be difficult when I'm feeling stuck, but when I'm not feeling a heavy resistance and can allow my creativity to roam free, it usually helps me take my mind off any unnecessary thoughts. I like to express myself through drawing, writing, poetry, yoga, cooking, this blog! I find at times when I am feeling stuck it is because I've pushed my passions to the sideline. Trust me, it never helps to deny yourself from your soul purpose.

Listening to my gut, aka my intuition, is the most important thing I can do. I have had to learn how to understand this over the years and am still learning how to properly navigate my higher self. However, I think it is the most essential thing to learn and follow in life. Don't fret, this is usually easier said than done and takes practice. The more you master your instincts, however, the easier it becomes. Usually this is hard for me to do when I'm feeling stuck. That's when I turn to something else on this list before trying to tune in.

I started traveling at the young age of 4 years old. Ever since then, I have been obsessed with leaving home and visiting new places. It takes me out of my comfort zone and allows me that breath of fresh air that I might be missing and that my soul might be yearning for.

You have to really be open and vulnerable to allow a psychedelic trip to help dig you out of whatever hole you might have dug yourself into. I know people who have taken mushrooms/ayuascha and have had a positive, eye opening experience. I also know people who did not. Do your research. A little trippy fun can help take you to that next level.. but only if you're ready to explore..

Oddly enough, I've been given some of the best advice from strangers when I least expected it. I'm not saying you should unleash your soul to just any stranger on the street, but you never know when you may be given some wise words from an unfamiliar voice. Also, therapists can be the best strangers.

I'll speak for myself when I say this.. I can't just go to any one of my friends and ask for advice or bare my soul in hopes that they won't look at me with judgmental eyes or give me some of the worse biased advice possible. If you can have at least one friend who you can speak openly and honestly to, hold them close.

When I'm feeling stuck, sometimes all I need to do is BREATHE. Take a few seconds to step back and breathe it out. It helps. I promise.

Nature may not be for everyone.. So maybe you're someone who needs the noisy city to unstick you from your rut (weird). However, nature always helps soothe my soul. Being around different trees, plants, flowers, animals.. It's a magical thing.

Meditating for me doesn't always come easily but it does come in many, many forms. Yes, there is the traditional type of yoga meditation that most of us think of when we hear the word. But did you know you can mediate even while going for a walk/drive, while cleaning the house, watering your plants, cooking, smoking weed, etc.? Meditation doesn't have to feel like pulling teeth. You're "simply" acknowledging your thoughts and setting them free by letting the next thought walk on through so that you can do the same over and over again. Learn how to better navigate your breath and use that as your tool. After lots of practice you may then find yourself unstuck and at peace with nothing but silence. For me, guided meditations or listening to seminars from influential people like Alan Watts or Abraham Hicks always helps.

All in all, when I'm feeling stuck, the main goal for me is to find a way to soothe the resistance.

Ease yourself out of resistance and into acceptance.
​
Cheers friends.
​Soothe away.

​I watched him stare in utter appreciation and bliss. His stature was picturesque. It complimented the Mark Rothko, which lie horizontal along his gaze. I admired his simplicity, it made him seem ordinary from a far. When in fact he was far from it. He sat alone in silence on a bench in the middle of the exhibit. His shoulders, slightly slouched. Face, opposing mine. I imagined a gentle smile upon his lips. 
 
When in silence, he was the most neutral. A very concentrated human being. Our similarities kept me close, differences kept me distant. And yet, close enough to keep my curiosity at bay. There were just as many moments of certainty as there were of confusion while we were together. However, nothing felt more right than the energy we shared while admiring art.
 
I approached his side and took a seat beside him. He glanced over to me and his smile, as I imagined it, swiftly reshaped itself into an ear to ear grin. One that gradually settled back into place after I had made my presence known. Neither of us said a word. We didn’t have to. Our energies spoke for themselves. His energy was a force field that was kept tame. But in the moments that he allowed his spirit to break free, it was exhilarating. The electricity that jolted through me in our times of pure joy invoked this warmth inside of me that was like no other.
 
Most of the time, I was dying to know what he was thinking. How he was feeling. If he’d push himself beyond his limits and tap into what I really wanted; For him to take control.
 
Drifting into lust, I swear, I could feel his heartbeat. Could feel it traveling beneath me, up my thighs to my chest. What felt like minutes had passed was really an hour, and still we sat in silence. One by one, the room filtered through different eyes. As the time slipped away and day grew shorter, we found ourselves alone.
 
Closing time already? I wondered as I raised from my seat. My body felt stiff so I began to stretch while walking up to one of the paintings. It was so quiet, all you could hear were the bottoms of my boots creating friction upon the glossy wooden floor. Standing two feet away from the wall, I inspected Mr. Rothko’s brush lines.
 
From behind me, his presence grew stronger. Until his body was parallel to my own. Suddenly I felt his fingertips brushing along my neck and guiding my hair over to the opposite side. A chill shot through my spine as goosebumps regenerated that feeling of desire. He stepped a couple inches closer. I could hear his quiet breath. And then, I could feel it.
 
His lips pressed against my skin. Gently kissing his way up underneath my jaw line until our bodies were one. His right hand now cradled my face and turned my lips to match his while his left made its way from my hips to between my legs. The kiss was soft at first. Every time our lips separated it was as if they were magnets, forced to meet again. Shifting my body towards him now, our lips collided firmly. With his left hand he laced his fingertips through my hair while his palm pushed me closer. The right drifted down the small of my back.
 
“Luna” he managed to say my name between a kiss.
“Yeah” I moaned. 
“Are you ok?” My eyes opened to find our bodies weren’t actually touching as he stood a foot in front of me.
His grin was back as he stared at me with immense interest and slight concern.
My cheeks felt flush and throat a little heavy, I quickly dropped my chin to my chest and looked at my shoes as I laughed.
“Yes. I’m fine. Was just.. thinking.”
“I could see that” his grin turned to a smirk.
Stepping an inch closer he guided my chin up so that our eyes could meet.
His thumb gently grazed my bottom lip as I watched his eyes travel from my own, to my lips, and then back up again. He leaned in for a kiss and then pulled away.
 
I wanted him to push me up against the wall.
Had the deepest urge to take control, since he refused to take advantage.
A true gentleman in his mannerisms, but in his eyes, I could see a beast. Dark and mysterious with a hunger for flesh and passion. Something we both shared.
“Are you hungry?” he asked.
My body was still pulsing.
“Starving.”