I saw this quote and it inspired me to finally share something for the first time in awhile. Ridiculous, right? I am the corniest sap I know. And I am okay with this.

Anyways, I have been silent for awhile. Internally digesting all the bullsh*t I have put myself through over the last handful of years. I can truthfully say, I am still working on it. It being me. I mean, if we aren't continuously working on ourselves, are we even growing as individuals? Unfortunately, for me, I've made it a habit to put myself on the back burner, as many of us do, and dug this deep hole and catapulted myself into it.

For awhile, I made a home in this hole. Wallowing in misery, alone. There were times I managed to climb out, but only temporarily until the next obstacle kicked me back down. Needless to say, I've stood stagnant for far too long. So, I'm back again, strategically working on climbing back out, and praying this time I can fill this depression with fresh soil and grow something beautiful out of it instead. 

You see, while I was down there, lying in defeat, I lost my spark, my purpose, and my drive. I started to question if my experiences were worthy of sharing and if I had what it took to stick out from the rest.

How did I get myself here? Where did all this doubt stem from?
I used to believe it was important to be understood, especially by those whom I cared about. However, I realized I was only hurting myself by trying so hard to control how others viewed me. I knew this much to be true: We can only control our thoughts, our feelings, our own actions, and nobody else's. Yet it still hurt me to think that even those who I once held at such high regards may never get it, may never get me. I started to lose friends unexpectedly. Friends who I imagined I'd always have by my side; friends who, in the past, helped pull me out from under my darkest of spells, who I thought I knew but soon realized I did not. I felt betrayed, unworthy, and confused. Deeply hurt and confused. 

Everything was one vast question mark. Thoughts overwhelmed my mind as I began to wonder if I was worthy, if I was capable, and if I would ever be good enough. As I am still working on loving me again, I am constantly reassuring myself that another's opinion on who I am, and who I am not, does not equate my worth. Not even those who were once pillars in my world. Through time, renovations are in order. And it is up to us to acknowledge what no longer works and needs fixing, and put in the work to rebuild, or revamp. We must learn when to let go, how to heal from every type of heartache, and not judge ourselves for the time it takes to do so.
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"You want release, not resentment. Elevation requires separation."
- Mama Vida / The Almighty Pineapple
@readingsbyvida

"The most difficult part of a healing journey is something few people talk about: the ending of relationships that weren't meant for you."
- Dr. Nicole LePera
@the.holistic.psychologist

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The friendships we lose, and relationships that have inevitably ended, teach us that nothing is permanent. People come and go, and we must let them. Though I may have an old soul and often feel misunderstood, I accept that this makes me stand out from the rest, and that it is not my soul purpose to prove myself to anyone, but myself. I know my purpose is valid. My life is worth living. My pain is worth sharing. And for as long as I know this, that is all that matters.
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You'd lie perfectly in my arms in every parallel
With my back opposed to you, each inch was accounted for
The feeling of your breath upon the curve of my neck,
weight of your arms hugging my own,
our breaths syncing without effort

From the small of my back and every part of you below the waist
tracing me like a glove,
you shadowed a blanket of warmth and comfort over me that made me dig deeper
It was a sensation I hoped to never forget, nor long for

Yet here I lie, vacant and cold
Every moment of solitude I'm left craving your embrace
What I would do to taste your skin;
feel it tighten as your body convinced me you would fit into me like a puzzle
forever.
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The following post is about mental health disorders and suicide.
Please, read with caution as it is very descriptive and can possibly be triggering.
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I think I often get the "eye roll" when I talk about these serious and controversial topics. I think that is partly why I enjoy talking about them. In my opinion, the topic of mental health disorders should be openly accepted and talked about more. Not only in your therapist’s office, but at home, with friends, and with each other.
 
But how do you explain something, like depression, anxiety, or even thoughts of suicide, to someone who has no idea what it’s like to live through it? To someone who has no grasp on the reality of this hyper negative world? Especially during this day and age of social media running the world, and bullying leading those who are deeply hurting inside to end their lives because of it.

With sensitive topics such as this one, it is important to choose your audience wisely. You could be opening up to the wrong people and this could lead you into a deeper spiral. I think most who are suffering are afraid to open up and to be vulnerable enough to express their feelings on this level for good reason. However, for me, it’s a way to shed skin, share insight, to release, and maybe even save a life.. maybe even save my own.
 
I will only speak on my own demons, though I have openly had discussions with many others who also suffer with their own. It is important to know that everyone’s lows are all different. Mine? Over time, my lows had greatly formed into an evil much bigger and stronger than myself. I’d say, at the point I realized it’s highest capacity, I was ready to throw my hands up and give myself away to its grueling force. The pain I felt, mixed with the anxiety I suffer from, in those excruciating times is something most don’t usually get to fully express. These demons that can take over are so dark and so heavy, they can easily suffocate you with sadness, anger, confusion, and despair, making it often impossible to breathe. In fact, at times, it is just that; impossible to breathe. Impossible to think of having to. After years of battling my demons and finding myself in agony on the floor time and time again, eventually my depression shifted into thoughts of suicide.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. And when the thought of breathing and living another day became so painful that I just wanted it to end, I knew I was in trouble. In my heart and mind, no one could understand the unmeasurable pain that I was  going through. I cried out to all the right and wrong people: friends, family, strangers, ex-lovers, doctors, and even suicide hotlines. There were days I desperately wanted to save myself, but there were also days I did not.

For some of us who suffer from these thoughts and feelings, the last thing we want to do is put our burden onto someone else. Or maybe we try to. We try to cry out, and instead of a compassionate heart, we reach for the wrong hand. Or maybe, we have the right tools and support system, we're just stuck on repeat and don’t know why. Maybe, we don't have access to the proper help and care we need (proper healthcare, resources, and even trying to find a doctor who actually cares, all can be a major disappointment for many of us across the globe). Personally, I knew I had to make a decision. And these were my options:

1. Continue to suffer in agony
2. Make a change, which would lead to more agony
3. End it

 
I never agreed with, nor fully understood, people who committed suicide until I reached my all-time low. When you reach the point where your chest is closing in and the pain feels like a lifetime of addiction that you are trying to withdrawal from before your heart stops, all you want to feel is relief. This is why many of us who make it this far end it here. We can’t bare another day or another moment feeling like we’re drowning in an endless wave of suffocating emotions. The pain is simply too much.
 
You may feel worthless. Alone. Broken. Rejected. The selfish, ungodly act of ending it all seems like the only way to peace. But it’s not. It is not the only way. Sure, choosing option one or two may seem grueling and unbearable, but as the poet Rupi Kaur once said, “what is stronger than the human heart which shatters over and over and still lives?”— anything is possible.
 
I pushed through. Despite the days I could barely do anything but cry and sleep, I made a decision to live. I knew healing was going to take time and effort. I knew there would be more pain along the way, but I also knew I had a purpose in life and dying at the feet of my own demons was not one of them.

​I share this with those of you who are still reading, who may care, who may need a reason to keep pushing forward, because every day I choose to wake up, but not every day do I make a solid effort to live. Living with mental health disorders is not easy. For those of us who suffer with them, it may be because of unhealed past trauma(s) or because it is hereditary and was passed down to us. Regardless, living with (a) mental health disorder(s) requires the desire and action to heal from within. And healing does not happen overnight. It takes time, patience, consistency, and vulnerability. It requires guidance (I personally believe talking to someone, ideally a therapist, is absolutely necessary). Often, we need some sort of medication to break the barrier.  It is not an easy task to face our demons and find the will power to push forward, but you would not been given this life if you did not have a purpose. 
 
I am incredibly grateful and lucky to be surrounded by a great support system, but not everyone is. That is why I open my heart up to those who feel alone because they are alone, and may be at their wit’s end. I hear you. I see you. I feel you. I love you. If you have the option to choose; please choose to heal and to live, because not everyone is so lucky to have that choice.
 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (for youth and adults): 1 (800) 273-8255

Suicide Hotlines in the US can be found here.
International Suicide Hotlines can be found here.


*Though I am not a licensed health advisor of any sort, I open my heart up to anyone who may need someone to talk to. No judgement. No pressure. All love.*

The fact that this movement is even a debate, a question, a controversial issue, is mind blowing to me. It's no secret this year has pushed us all to the edge. It's no secret that the world, never mind America, was NEVER great, and will never be great until we come together in unity and LOVE.

I am beyond disappointed and disgusted with humankind. For centuries we have allowed the ego to rule and hate to take over. Fear has been passed down time and time again as an excuse for our ill behavior, allowing the privileged to bask in the comfort of their skin color and ignorance. Honestly, I'm not even sure I can refer to the ill actions and lack of effort of others as ignorance at this point, because we all have what we need in order to better understand and sympathize with others right at the tips of our fingers. Knowledge is power. And we no longer can use “inaccessibility” or “lack of resources” as an excuse to not stand up beside those who need the support. As a white female, I was raised to believe racism wasn’t a real issue. I watched my family racially stereotype, as they fed into fear and left me the scraps.
 
For so long, we were programmed to sweep racism under the rug, as if after slavery was abolished, our hands were wiped clean. As if racism and white privilege didn’t continue to live on in front of our very own eyes; as if we didn’t let it. Pretending like we don’t live in this corrupt system that picks and chooses what our children learn instead of teaching them ways to shatter glass ceilings and prosper with love is how they keep us contained. They want us to believe that segregation is necessary. As a country, we run on power and greed. And as long as we’re not personally being affected, it doesn’t matter, right?

To the white people who continue to let the 1% control you all, you are capable of stepping outside of your bubble and standing beside your black brothers and sisters. You do have a choice. Put yourselves in their shoes and imagine how they might be feeling. Is it not blatantly obvious as to why the senseless, violent murders over the countless years have caused an uproar? Enough is enough.
 
We were not meant to live this way. In hate. In shame. In fear. I am so embarrassed of the color of my skin. I am so embarrassed of my ancestors. I am so incredibly embarrassed of the world we still live in.
 
I cannot stress this enough, love is so much more powerful than hate. That is why people still choose fear. Because they are scared of fully letting go of what doesn’t actually serve their higher good and fail to understand the true purpose of life. The bottom line is this, we all bleed red. We can break the barrier that we allow to keep us segregated. The good we can accomplish together instead of selfishly continuing to try to outsmart our neighbor, while the government continues to outsmart us, is possible. But only through compassion. Only through change. Only through knowledge. Only by shattering our egos. Only through love.
 
It’s okay to admit your wrongs and to make a choice to change for the better. It’s okay to put your friends and family in their place, to take a stand against racism and rise above fear. It's okay to cut people out of your life who choose to live in hate vs. love. You are not alone in this shift. Do not allow black people to suffer the consequences created by recycled habits built from the comfort of white privilege. 

“You speak of justice, yet you are cruel to those most in need of your help.”
– The Hunchback of Notre Dame
 
“Peace is not the absence of tension, it is the presence of justice. We must assume responsibility for disturbing a false peace in order to establish a true justice.”
– @CoryBooker
 
“You are personally responsible for becoming more ethical than the society you grew up in.”
– Eliezar Yudkowsky
 
“Unlearning white supremacy is deeply personal, existential, and difficult work. It often feels horrible.. It will shatter your ego and your belief system. Do it anyway.”
​– Sonia Gupta

​Until one day, I was abandoned with nothing but dried roots and unbearable grief. He fooled me into believing he would always return to feed my soul and instead made me question my existence. He betrayed me and ever since then, I have been left wondering if he’ll ever return to the garden he left vacant in my heart. Because I don’t know how to let go and I don’t know if I’ll ever want to.”

She looked at me, saddened by my response, and said, 
“He may have given you a reason to push forward in the past, but he is not why you are still alive today. Your reason to live has always lied within you.
He did not take it with him, you just forgot what it was like to breathe on your own..
to grow, on your own.. love, on your own.
Rip out those dead roots and replant your own beautiful garden.
Shower it with love, gratitude, and acceptance every day.
Love yourself so deeply and let the love you harvest be your light.
Feed your soul with that light. And eventually, with time,
​you will let go of what was and accept what is.”
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