Mixtapes and Heartaches

"My soul is a mixtape
​but no one owns a cassette player anymore."

- unknown

I saw this quote and it inspired me to finally share something for the first time in awhile. Ridiculous, right? I am the corniest sap I know. And I am okay with this.

Anyways, I have been silent for awhile. Internally digesting all the bullsh*t I have put myself through over the last handful of years. I can truthfully say, I am still working on it. It being me. I mean, if we aren't continuously working on ourselves, are we even growing as individuals? Unfortunately, for me, I've made it a habit to put myself on the back burner, as many of us do, and dug this deep hole and catapulted myself into it.

For awhile, I made a home in this hole. Wallowing in misery, alone. There were times I managed to climb out, but only temporarily until the next obstacle kicked me back down. Needless to say, I've stood stagnant for far too long. So, I'm back again, strategically working on climbing back out, and praying this time I can fill this depression with fresh soil and grow something beautiful out of it instead. 

You see, while I was down there, lying in defeat, I lost my spark, my purpose, and my drive. I started to question if my experiences were worthy of sharing and if I had what it took to stick out from the rest.

How did I get myself here? Where did all this doubt stem from?
I used to believe it was important to be understood, especially by those whom I cared about. However, I realized I was only hurting myself by trying so hard to control how others viewed me. I knew this much to be true: We can only control our thoughts, our feelings, our own actions, and nobody else's. Yet it still hurt me to think that even those who I once held at such high regards may never get it, may never get me. I started to lose friends unexpectedly. Friends who I imagined I'd always have by my side; friends who, in the past, helped pull me out from under my darkest of spells, who I thought I knew but soon realized I did not. I felt betrayed, unworthy, and confused. Deeply hurt and confused. 

Everything was one vast question mark. Thoughts overwhelmed my mind as I began to wonder if I was worthy, if I was capable, and if I would ever be good enough. As I am still working on loving me again, I am constantly reassuring myself that another's opinion on who I am, and who I am not, does not equate my worth. Not even those who were once pillars in my world. Through time, renovations are in order. And it is up to us to acknowledge what no longer works and needs fixing, and put in the work to rebuild, or revamp. We must learn when to let go, how to heal from every type of heartache, and not judge ourselves for the time it takes to do so.
​​
​

"You want release, not resentment. Elevation requires separation."
- Mama Vida / The Almighty Pineapple
@readingsbyvida

"The most difficult part of a healing journey is something few people talk about: the ending of relationships that weren't meant for you."
- Dr. Nicole LePera
@the.holistic.psychologist

​

The friendships we lose, and relationships that have inevitably ended, teach us that nothing is permanent. People come and go, and we must let them. Though I may have an old soul and often feel misunderstood, I accept that this makes me stand out from the rest, and that it is not my soul purpose to prove myself to anyone, but myself. I know my purpose is valid. My life is worth living. My pain is worth sharing. And for as long as I know this, that is all that matters.
​