I want to speak on my experience living in Europe thus far, but I genuinely find it inappropriate. I have been writing everyday but haven’t been able to share any of it. Then, today I came to the conclusion, “why do I have to?”

Part of me wants to share every success and every defeat along my journey, but the other half of me believes it’d be best to make moves quietly. I will say this... These past few months have been stressful as f*ck. Sprinkled throughout this “Lynda leaps herself out of America and into Europe” experience, I have had many ups and downs. I am learning to embrace each as great writing material, all while learning about my excuses I’ve created along the years. Here’s the thing, I am growing. A lot. And it doesn’t necessarily feel good.
 
I have noticed that I have been trying to prevent this growth for many years. And with each resistant push comes more pain. And for some reason I have continued this vicious cycle since I can remember. But I’ve also learned, for many of us, this is natural. Yes, I have many dreams and goals, but I know damn well I can’t just expect those to *poof* magically be achieved overnight. And you most definitely cannot expect anything, but disappointment, from not putting in any work at all. 
 
How many of you come up with beautiful goals for yourself but watch another day, another month, another year, pass by with what seems like no progression? Either because you didn’t actually put in any work to make it happen, or because it seems your efforts didn’t get you very far. Here’s the thing, you can’t blame anyone but yourself for not doing what it takes to fulfill your goals. If you are one of those people who have self-sabotaged at some point in your life, trust you are not alone. It’s normal to fall back when shit gets difficult. To be discouraged when things don’t necessarily go as planned. But continuing this pattern won’t get you very far in life. And giving up just because you feel your work hasn’t gotten you to the top YET, is a huge mistake.
 
You see, I have been putting myself down heavily lately because I felt like I hadn’t accomplished much with where I’m at so far. Part of this is true. I have allowed myself to stand in my own way with many things. But then I also remembered, I’ve been building towards this move for a few years now. Yes, plans have changed shape along the way. Regardless, here I am. And I don’t think I have given myself enough credit for that until now. I am proud of how far I’ve come. Because I know most wouldn’t have the balls to do something (this stupid... just kidding) this difficult. For me, it has been EXTRA difficult because I battle with anxiety and depression. Sometimes, the simplest tasks can be the most difficult.. 

Getting out of bed.
Eating breakfast.
Having a simple conversation.
Going outdoors. 

However, through the moments of despair I have found it even more of a feat to overcome and accomplish. In the end, it’s so much more rewarding once I do make it over each obstacle. This is something I remind myself each time I’ve found myself glued to my bed, feeling incapable of living. I know some people who can’t relate to such feelings, but I also know MANY people who can.
 
For those of you reading who resonate, applaud yourself. Be kind to yourself for all your efforts. Don’t be ashamed when you fail, because it’s impossible to grow, or succeed, without failure. Failure is a part of the process. You will find yourself down before you can pick yourself up. If you think about it, the REAL failure is giving up. The rest is just growth. You can always decide to change your mind along the way. Deciding something isn't for you along the way is OK too! We are humans after all. In life, there is always room for improvement and change. You just have to believe in yourself and your worth. For some of us, some days just seem impossible. But if you can remember that you are not alone. That you do have a purpose. That you are important. Then you WILL succeed.
 

My mom always said, “if there's a will, there's a way”
Well, I'm taking that will and making a f*cking way!
​

​



*side note*
I have had many people reach out to me about their anxiety and depression. I am no therapist but it always helps to have one, or at least someone to listen. Even if you don't suffer from mental illness, having someone to talk to helps greatly. And it is nothing to be ashamed of. I always leave myself open for people who feel like they need someone to talk to, someone to confide in, whatever the reason. If someone approaches you needing to talk because they are hurting, don't put them down because of it. Be kind. And if you don't feel you are the right person to give any advice, be honest. Find compassion in your heart to help others in whatever way you can. Don't be so quick to judge or ridicule. You don't know what that person might be going through in their life.
​Love is so much more powerful than hate, remember that.

​

Why are we always so nosey.. excuse me.. "curious" about another's business?
Why feed off one another like a bunch of angry, bottomless leaches,
awaiting to attack at any moment? For our own sick pleasure?

The thing about putting yourself out there, in any event, is that you are immediately opening the door for criticism of ALL sorts.
The problem with being "a topic of interest" is that shared words travel as fast as the poison in the bite from that snake next door.
He feeds off your energy, if you allow him to.
Offering you his negative energy in exchange, poisoning your positive energy
if you aren't strong enough to reject his venom.

The angry side of me, the negative side of me, who resurfaces in times of weakness, feels the only solution is to fight back with a raging fire.
Burn it all down, every bit. Flare my fists at anyone who interferes.

The other side of me, the one I strive to let win every bout, reassures me nothing good comes from fighting fire with fire. The high I receive from that type of release is only temporary and quickly turns sour.. every-damn-time.
I, in exchange, remind myself that it is ok. Everyone has issues.
And I can't fix them.

Some people are so bored they have nothing else better to do but try to bring you down with them. They hide their jealousy in jokes, beneath fake grins. Or spit it out with no sense of respect or mercy. They haven't secured their happiness, so they try to destroy your own. 

The bottom line is.. most people are not going to mind their own business.
No matter how nicely you might ask. No matter how private you might try to be. And especially, if you put yourself out there for the world to see. People are going to talk no matter what. This is why I share my words. Share my feelings, my experiences. Because I know I am not alone. Because I know there are people out there who need to hear it. People who are boiling inside. Who are hurting from being bullied. Who haven't found a way around the hate or a way to silence all the noise.

You can ask someone politely to mind their own business, or
you can scream in frustration and tell them to hop off your shit.
Or... you can ignore them and let them talk.
Trust me, you can only shut up ignorance for so long.
Refrain from giving a rude individual too much attention, if any at all.

A wise friend recently told me,
"Lately, I've been trying to throw around peace signs
instead of middle fingers."


Whichever direction you choose to go, don't let it bring you down.
Don't let it take over what really matters to you.
Don't let it stop you from living happy and free.
You can't force another to mind their business,
so confuse them by minding your own.
​
​Let them talk.
Keep building.
Keep growing.
Keep loving.
Keep living.

And f*ck the rest.

With each sip
you became a deeper shade
my darkest of fantasies
your smile was clarification
I could have you
effortlessly
without hesitation

Just one taste
Gripping my fingers around your waist
Open my mouth
I want to feel your cold embrace
Warm my body with each comforting sip
Tonight I want to feel you on my lips
and in his kiss
His firm, yet gentle touch
Forever longing for the rush

Tears rolled down my cheek
Your lips pressed against mine
Tell me, how can I feel everything
and nothing
​at the same exact time?